Sex is a major subject with any generation, but the millennials have it a little different. We are the generation of Netflix and chill, situationships, and DM hookups. It is extremely hard out here for us. Whether you’re getting it in regularly, giving it to yourself, not getting enough, or not getting any at all, it still sucks. I am currently in that last category, which brings me to the point of this post – unintentional celibacy. I am not getting it in, and not because it’s hard to find someone to hook up with; I could pick from any creep in my DMs. I’m not knocking anyone who has hooked up from DMs, but it’s kinda gross! It’s hard to know where any man’s penis has been, and if he’s hitting you up in your inbox so casually for sex, imagine how many other women he’s hitting up. If you’d take him up on that offer, there’s a good chance that someone else has or will too.
I didn’t choose celibacy, celibacy chose me!!!
I’ve never been regularly sexually active. The guy I was seeing in college, who was also my first, lived a bit too far to be getting consistent dick. It wasn’t until after college when some sort of regular sex became a thing for us. Cut to a few years later, he went off to the military and the unintentional celibacy set in – I was very loyal and waited for him to come home to have sex; however, he did not do the same. Our situationship ended badly, and after 7+ years of seeing someone I thought I needed to do everything possible to get over him as quickly as possible. I once heard the saying, “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” I figured that sex with a new person would be the best way to emotionally detach myself from him; I have never been so wrong about anything in my entire life.
About six weeks after that relationship ended I started talking to a guy I’d known from kindergarten who initially reached out to me through Facebook – clearly my brain wasn’t working properly at the time. We talked on and off for about three months. He was saying all the right things, showing interest, but also showing that he wanted to have sex. I figured this was my chance to hit that emotional detach button. WRONG!
We finally hang out and he starts getting all handsy. I was cringing on the inside, because I knew it was quickly becoming a Netflix and chill situation. If you read my post Awkward Intimate Moments he’s the one I nicknamed the human vacuum. I wasn’t really feeling it, but I figured it would help me in the long run, boy was I stupid. As it turned out, I wasn’t ready to emotionally detach. It was bad, I even cried during. He was unaware of the tears running down my face, because he was behind me. Shortly after the dismal sex, he told me I was “lazy” and that I didn’t even try and that the sex was just ok. I didn’t know how to take his criticism, the sex wasn’t good to me either, but I spared his feelings.
I went home feeling completely off. I felt low and my feelings were hurt, but I still felt that I needed to prove him wrong and give emotional detachment another chance, so I was in his bed the next week having the same mediocre sex. Once again, I listened to his criticism, but this time it went further than the sex. He criticized my weight, my work ethic, and my relationship with my parents. This was coming from someone who didn’t know me that well. I realized I was dealing with a Dr. Jekyll – Mr. Hyde type of person. Before sex he would be kind and nice, after he was mean and disrespectful. He was the poster child for fuckboys! I was confused and while trying to pick up the pieces from the heartbreak I experienced months prior, I started feeling even more broken and I couldn’t take it anymore. I knew I didn’t need to deal with someone like that, so I severed all communication with him.
This situation happened over two years ago, and I haven’t had sex since. Once again bringing me back to unintentional celibacy. I think about sex every day, I miss it, crave it, and I think I’m in a better position mentally to engage in it now. I didn’t make a conscious decision to stop having sex it just sort of happened. There was no set time limit on this, I don’t have any set goals/conditions in my celibacy, I just haven’t found anyone trustworthy or worthy of my vulnerability. Until then, I will continue missing it, wanting it, craving it, and giving it to myself.