As I become more secure with myself and my experiences, I figured I’d reveal some of my most awkward intimate moments. I don’t have a lot of experience in this department, but my sex life has been pretty awkward thus far. Warning: this post contains some slight TMI scenarios.
I like a slightly aggressive kisser or someone who takes the lead in a kiss, but this was by far the worst kiss I’ve ever had in my entire life! It started out ok, with gentle kissing, then he turned it up a notch with some soft bottom lip bites, next thing I know both of my lips are in his mouth.
I didn’t know what to do. I could feel his tongue running across my lips as he sucked my mouth into his like a human vacuum. I thought he was going to inhale my whole face! It set the tone for dismal sex. While he was super turned on by it, I was ready to run out the door. I should’ve ran out the door.
Air Mattress Sex
The music was playing, I can’t remember which song, but the vibe was totally right. He was saying all of the right things and making all of the right moves. Things were hot and heavy, then he says “let’s get on the bed.” We were in the dark the entire time, so I had no idea what was coming next. I sat down on what I thought was a bed. What the f*** is this, an air mattress? It was the kind that was a couple feet high and from what I could tell in the dark, it seemed to be made like a bed, so I assumed it was an actual bed.
Some girls may think having sex on an air mattress isn’t such a bad idea, but to other girls (plus size girls like me) it’s a complete nightmare. I stuck through the moment, trying not to let my insecurities get the best of me. Everything about the situation was bad. The bed started to deflate and so did my sex drive.
The Outdoorsy Type
My ex had a thing for spontaneity, something I rarely objected to, in fact, I kinda liked that about him (except for this one time). Neither one of us had our own place, so we had to get it in where we could. It was around 2 or 3 o’clock in the morning, I always lost track of time around him. The vibes were getting heavy, sex was never our issue. He told me he wanted to have sex outside, this was nothing new, but he said “I want to have sex in the driveway.” To which I replied, “So, you mean like in the car in the driveway?” He quickly says, “Nope!” I’m standing in the driveway all confused, like WTF did I get myself into.
Like a dumb-ass, I went along with it anyway. We were getting it on in the driveway, no car, well except for the one barely blocking us from being seen. We moved to the back yard. The discomfort was mounting – I kept feeling stuff crawling on me and I could’ve sworn I’d seen someone watching us. We decided to get in the car (best decision of the night!). All of a sudden the porch light comes on, his grandma was letting the dog out. The dog started barking at the car we were in, thankfully the windows were completely opaque from the temperature inside the car. I’m happy to say we didn’t get caught, but we never did it outside again.
What have I learned from these awkward intimate moments? Three things perhaps. #1 if he can’t kiss, don’t expect the sex to be good. #2 everything isn’t always as it appears – sometimes a bed is just an air mattress. And #3 don’t have sex with people who live with their grandparents.