Love Ruins

I spent my time pleasing you, loving you, giving myself to you, I never realized I was building “us” by myself, depleting myself. I never realized just how unwilling you were to give, to give me what I needed, what I was longing for. I stuck around a little too long with you, telling myself that you needed someone like me, “one day he’ll see just how great I am for him. I could be his moon and his stars if he would only let me be. He’ll see how much I love him, want him, breathe him. He’ll take me in his arms and just know.” The day I longed for never came.

My love for you imploded and fell on top of me with an indescribable force. I fell to the earth, crushed, broken, half dead. I stayed there until I could no longer stand the debris of our imploded love making its way through my skin. I cried and cried, but no one came to save me. I saw light as I pulled out the shards of broken promises and lies from my eyes. I heard a voice, your voice, calling out to me with apologies. Telling me you never meant for this to happen, telling me you never meant to let us crumble. How can you be so sorry? You bulldozed something you never worked to build.  

Years go by. You stop by every now and then, just to watch me. You watch me pick up the pieces from the ruins of our love. I know you watch me, I anticipate it, almost welcome it. I want you to watch me. I want you to watch me pick up every salvageable piece. Watch me rebuild. Watch me restore. Watch me come back to life. And when everything is shiny and new and you finally decide to stop watching and make your way to me. To call out to me with apologies. I will no longer answer. My love for you is no longer here. My love for you has moved on. My love for you is gone.

Explanation: I wrote this after I found myself randomly and awkwardly crying over a breakup situation that happened 2 years ago. I thought I was over it, but I guess there are some dormant feelings that seep out every now and then. It’s natural, it’s life; I realize that it wasn’t meant to be and I’m so much better for it.

12 thoughts on “Love Ruins

  1. Love is crazy like that… when you really love someone and you allow them to touch your heart its so unconditional, sometimes I wonder if it ever goes away. Like you said, tis’ is life and yes YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER FOR IT! Praying much healing, wholeness and happiness for you during the process! Lord knows I can relate 🙂

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    1. Thank you so much! I think sometimes we get kind of caught up in trying to get over the situation, we never fully understand that it takes serious time. I’m glad I can look back and see how God brought me through it all. As painful as it was and sometimes still is, I understand why it happened. Thank God for clarity!

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      1. You are so so so right. Often times we do want to just rush through the process or for some of us even try to numb ourselves through the pain. But even though it sucks, I’ve found those times to be some of the sweetest most intimate moments with God. When your heart is thirsty for nothing less than the fullness of love and joy and peace and healing…

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      2. YES!!!!! I never knew I needed God so much until that situation happened. When I talked about seeing the light in the post, God was the light and no one could’ve pulled me out but him.

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      1. OMG YES!!! It’s a true internal conflict, complete torture! I think what keeps me pushing forward, is thinking about how I feel now in comparison to 6 months ago, 1 year ago, and 2 years ago. I see the difference and I remember that things weren’t so great when I was with him. Now I go to sleep at night with no worries that he is cheating or lying. My life is so much more peaceful. 🙂

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